We had a fight for no reason partly it was my fault I let go of my guards and forgot the “rules” i became myself. too excited about a news I failed to reply to him like he likes and yet we got into another fight.

i just wonder how long would this continue how much would i have to lose myself to gain more time in this marriage and why do I do this I wonder. I guess coz I am not a quitter never was and never will be.

I dont even make sense to myself at times and this is certianly one of them. I see all these happy couples around me having fun clicking away happy memories and displaying them for the sad unhappy ones like us to envy. I dont know why I cant be content, I want my core my innermost self to become relaxed to just breath deeply and let go.

yet again i am depressed. he has that effect on me. i know i screwed things badly and i am chaging trying desperately to cling on teh last fragments of my marriage. he said last night that i dotn know about this marriage my ehart is not into it i know i have to give him time but how much i was always terrible at waiting fro anythign eevn if my life depended on it.

yet again i have extended my exams just cant seem to be getting that adrenal rush heart racing confusion before the exam studying like crazy thign going yet. pata nahee kia hoga. i am worried that i am not sudying at all. small things distract me. i think my priority has changed completely. i know this exam is crucial but i don know why i cant focus.

yet again ama is in the kitchen making a racket and it is irritating the hell out of me. ufffffffffff.

yesterday i imagined i was dead and what would be teh first thing everyone would think of when they would know. teh answer was far from satisfying. but the one that matters the most is that he would be glad.

am i such a bad person. i just feel like dying. i am too depressed.

kia masla hai cant he even keep his thoughts in check for those 20 mins we talk why tell me things i already know and dread. i am just breaking here again.

i dreamed las night of being somewhere and wanting desperately to leave but couldnt find my shoes.

An old friend called abhi. It was an awkward conversation we talked for an hour had loads to talk about but well it seemed as if i wasnt connecting with her. She wants to be stuck in teh past. I wanted to do that too, I have resisted change for so long clinging on to the finest detail in my life even when it meant ruining it.

Yes i alone have to be blamed for my marriage. I was stuck in teh past for ay too long. I wanted him to be like AL talk like him, say things like him, deal with me and situations like him, everything.

I am changing to say teh least yesterday he yelled at me i softly cried without letting him know, coz it would have irritated him and once he was done yelling he relaxed and things settled down.

Yes i cry alot. US says i have taps for eyes i find that funny coz it is so true. i discovered this about myself yesterday that i am a sadist in some ways he yells at me and that saisfies me in a way that his nice words dont. This way I am sure things are fine, atleast he is expressing himself, better than him not saying anything and me guessing and asking and yet again irritating him. Do I make sense? yes you do Aa.

AB was surprised to know that i talk to myself in first person. Ialways thought that was normal and that everyone does that but no normally people dont. I am a psychopath in teh making lolz!!!!

That too I find funny.

I can never forget my mom’s eyes when one day while eating gol gappas i announced to her that I am crazy. She started saying something thinking speaking trying to make sense and i stopped her after two incoherent syllables and said I am crazy and its ok. I told her what I have done in teh past out of rage and how I am afraid of myself and she just listened to me dumbfounded. sigh