he wants to end this

surprise surprise………… has been a while since he has been saying this and i am actually surprised that it took him so long to finally get to this point

every instant that I “defied” him every time I asked him to do what I want when we were happy atleast I was whenever I was excited every time every freaking minute I was told that I am going to finish this off

may be it would be good may be thats how it should have been from the start may be i am better off without him

o rabba mei ki kara help me na plz

This is how it feels to finally realize what might be the cause of all the distress. It feels satifying to realize why do I feel anxious, why does it seem that nothing is going the way it should go as and why cant I be satisfied. What am I truly looking for. Is it love, passion, emotion, understanding or just this that I can never be the same again. I have been too spoiled to be normal now.

He did something what He used to do. He anticipated my needs and I felt the same pang again.

Would it ever go away, He says it wont but lets hope. What a wonderful word that is. I am hoping again. Therefore I am concluding that not all is lost. If I can hope again I can feel again, I can care again and may be possibly love again…….

I have never been this stressed in my life before between ami’s illness, interviews and him acting up I am just tired.  I just cant take it anymore. I never thought this was all in me. I never thought I can be this resilient. Pata nahee kia kaho kia lakho kuch bhee samajh mei nahee araha meray.

mei pakistan jana chati ho ami ke pass unko dhekhna cheahti ho unki care karna chahti ho. interviews aik alag marhala hain. arif alag mujhay pareshan kar raha hai. pata nahee kia karu. mujhay lagta hai mera deemagh phat jai ga. koi bhee nahee hai meri baat sunay ke liya mujhay samjhnay ke liya. uss ko bataya mei ne tu kehta hai Allah karam karey ga. kuch nahee ke tum baat karna chati ho, kuch bhee nahee. mei kis tarha sab karu samjh mei nahee ata.

As I sit here an ponder about the last days in Pakistan, I wonder was it that excruciating after all. I have cried and sulked and whined and what not about a lot of things since the last two and a half years of my married life.

Today is my last day at work. Actually as the 12 day deadline draws near I am feeling a bit jittery. Anxiety has finally hit, whether I would be able to make it or not. I know one thing for sure that whatever comes my way i would cry about it for some time, lesser than before, but would overcome it. i dont promise that i would master it but I would surely survive.

LAst time in US I did something very stupid which I regret to this day. for everything in life I have told myself to forget and move on but this I would never allow myself to. Why? coz I dont want to repeat that blunder ever. But I dont ever want to hit that low in my life ever again.

He says he would be supportive but he also says ‘mujhay tumharee awaz sun kar khoon khol jata hai’. He says I am not a monster waiting to get you but he also says ‘agar tum ne khush ulta seedha kia tu tum ko ghar se nikal do ga phir jo karna hai kartee rehna jiss ke pass jaana ho chali jana’

I wonder and so does he that our relationship is not that great then why am I in such a hurry to get there. I will give you an analogy. Every time I have an exam coming up I dread it get anxious a nervous wreck. I study for it prepare for then pray to Allah and then I wait praying that days become longer and I get more time to prepare. As the days approaches I hit a point where I cant wait to get it over with. I stop fearing it I certainly dont feel I am prepared for it but I just want to know the result good or bad I want to get to the verdict and fast. Same is happening to me now.

I certainly dont love him anymore. I contemplated and decided I love his role as a husband but not him . I care for him but thats it.

lets see what happens.

Things are not always the same.

The situation at home is always a bit rocky. i really am very sensitive to everyones mood. for the last three weeks I was facing difficulty, not a lot of conversation happening at home and that certainly was affecting my mood. He always asks me whats wrong and why am I always so depressed.

I am now of teh opinion ‘ to hell with everyone’ I know I ma right I havent wronged anyone why should all this affect my mood and that has a bad effect on our marriage.

BAss bhut hogaya. i am going to lead my life the way I want to. I am going to enjoy my life. I am going to care less about teh way people behave around me. If they dont talk its their choice.

He is doing great. yesterday teh topic of kids came back to haunt us. You know what seriously I am getting so demotivated to have kids. Pata nahee ku?

He ran. 2 hour and 10 mins, 30 mins more than the last time.

life has a way to repeat itself. the problems that i have been facing for so long now still exist. now when the visa processing is in its final stages he is starting to have another panic attack. he is again verbalising how he would cope with everything how he doesn’t want to talk to me and doesn’t even care if the situation is so.

yesterday he called me and just blasted off saying that it is so difficult for him and that he doesn’t feel like talking to me and that he feels bad that he feels this way but all in all he doesn’t care if he feels so

then when i verbalize my concerns that i wont have any emotional support system and how i would cope with all of this. with him freaking out and asking me to adjust yet again and then dumping all his concerns on me and without my family or anywhere i could go to vent out and relax. he just says no i wont leave u high and dry i would give a ticket to go back home when it gets really bad. but what would happen before that who would i turn to talk and get comfort from .

certainly not him coz he wont be there for me . coz even my voice irks him.

what would i do

just feel like ending everything……………..

exam is over went to isloo fopr a week and a half

got all i deisred fun frolic laughter mirth everything

children are such stress releiver one smile of W and all tension vanishes

H suggested a night before the exam when i blew up crying my eyes that i should recite quranic verses this coming from such a yound person was well well appreciated

E’s eyes are o die for he gives u one look and uffff u can just melt seriously he is such a well disciplined kid i tell u

more abotu W she says such wonderful things like

1. she climbed in my godi and kissed me on my cheek and said “mujhay pyarr tu karnay de na”

2. when i got worried that she was making too much of a mess when eating rice she said “app pareeshan mat ho na ”

3. she once climed on ym lap and i was standing with her emjoying the raim of isloo when she said started caressing my cheeks with her hand and her eyes OMg i can never forget that look they were filled with genuine love

4. she on teh day we left said ” pack my bags Aa pia has already left i wanna got too plz pack my bags naaaa”

cant wait to have my own kids they are they teach u teh true meaning of life.

He swore on his mom and Allah and Quran that he say that about em but teh situation. I believe him coz of teh kasm but not otherwise. I dont know what that means that i believe him but i dont. i swore that i wont call him won get clingy again but i did yet again and he got irked again.Aa says: tell me whats going on in ur mind

he says: i dont knowhe says: i want to get away from you thats is what is goign in my mind

he says: i just cannot deal day in day out your emotional and Gods knows what is going in your headhe says: i just cannot do that

its gone

all my feelings and emotions for him everything

all i feel is hatred

he called me a BC

i have never been this humiliated in my entire life never ever

it is over

he says dont lecture me when i tell him we need to save for teh future. i told hi u have a family too now and it would increase soon and u should save. he go offended saying that u think i am a loser.

come one when did i say that all i was saying was lets think of teh future.

when i was there, we had all second furniture no two spoons matched the couches had springs sticking out the head post of teh bed was loose and beyond repair. everythign was old mismatched borrowed and broken. i was like thats ok we can not offord it right now. the only time i asked him to buy me couches was when his friends wife said that we have qurbani ka gosht lieing around and we dotn know any poor people so why dont u guys take it. i felt like slapping her came home and just blew up that iw anna renovate things. he husband works with my husband then why the hell she presumed we were poor. yes he is supporting his family back home and everythign comes here. when my saas replaced her curtains i cried thinking i wanted to replace my curtain back tehre but couldnt offord too. when my susr brought back a set of knives and nice cutting board for my naand i thought i wanted that too and he said we cant offord it. such double standards i say. he can buy whatever they want. was teh otehr day talkign about buying laptops for his brothers if we cant afford a set of knives even they how come we can afford two laptops.

i cant wiat to start earning and making my hoem my home. i would make it pretty and nice and all new. all furniture would match and would be beautiful. i would save for our future for my kids.

yesterday i tod him   just be a sperm donor. he was saying we cant have kids right now and when i would start earning billions i can have them. i told him even now i wouldnt ask him for anythign at all no emotional finncial physical support just be a sperm donor. hehehe. he is giving up to have kids coz his leeches of a family cant stop sucking all we have got