i dont know why but today i am too depressed. had a disagreement with him in the morning and since then pata nahee kia hoa just dont feel like doing anything

i jut dont have energy for this any more

didnt go to the gym today wanted to but couldnt

feel like i am just bitching all the time but what i feel is what i feel

uffff!!!!!!

he wants to end this

surprise surprise………… has been a while since he has been saying this and i am actually surprised that it took him so long to finally get to this point

every instant that I “defied” him every time I asked him to do what I want when we were happy atleast I was whenever I was excited every time every freaking minute I was told that I am going to finish this off

may be it would be good may be thats how it should have been from the start may be i am better off without him

o rabba mei ki kara help me na plz

He swore on his mom and Allah and Quran that he say that about em but teh situation. I believe him coz of teh kasm but not otherwise. I dont know what that means that i believe him but i dont. i swore that i wont call him won get clingy again but i did yet again and he got irked again.Aa says: tell me whats going on in ur mind

he says: i dont knowhe says: i want to get away from you thats is what is goign in my mind

he says: i just cannot deal day in day out your emotional and Gods knows what is going in your headhe says: i just cannot do that

i am back had so much to talk about

am i really a victim. yesterday he said u have taken on teh role of being a victim coming to me with problems which i dont wanna hear or try to solve. it made me think. i did admit it to AB some time back that i do mold according what people want me to be like with my family i am a happy go lucky loud person, with AB i am all childish or if i need to give some advice all professional and with him i am a victim. why do i see myself through otehrs eyes why do i becoem what they want me to be or atleast what i think they want me to be. why cant be satisfied in my own skin really think who i am and be that person. why cant i be teh same confident happy person i was back in med school atleast the first few years until i met AL. i think he is to be blamed for it. he was all protective of me trying to make teh world a better place for me to live in. comforting me when i was upset. i used to tell him u are spoiling me for teh world and he said i am ur world. and he ws for all those years. when we broke up it was so messy and he came into my life and i replaced Al with him i should have had soem wash out period but i didnt get to have thta. intially he did take up that role of being my knight in shining armour listening to my complaining and trying to solve my problems but after shadi that all changed everythign changed. the earliest writing after shadi is that of me writing him a letter and explaining how i want things to be bascially how he promised them they would be and gave me a glimpse of before shadi and what i want outta my life and leaving it on his pillow. he read it chucked mid way and gave me a hug saying that he would try. he blames me for his attitude.

really am i to be blamed for everything. i know i did make mistakes but is everything my fault. didnt i do anythign right.

he referred to the dreading words yesterday and he was about to say them and suddenly he hung up. i pleaded my case yet again. he again promised me that he wont say it ever again. but he referred to it later teh same day.

kia karu. my brain tells me to cool it dont call him for a hwile concentrate on ym exams all this would still be here after the exams are over. it makes sense but when i am in my study trying to make sense of teh blurred words in between my tears it just all come crashing down on me no matter how hard i try to block it.

turn to Allah my hurt tells me i doi have started praying again but things dont get better they are still teh same if not worse.

one day he is all happy and chirpy saying lets try from scratch next day he is cursing me and this marriage. such major swings i tell you.

ya Allah rahm kar

why do i still wish that there be some romance in my life. why do i still yearn for passion companionship, some kind of attention. you know what gievs me solace when he yells at me. previously i thought it was coz i was turning into a sadist but then when i thought about it i realized no it is coz he does that with passion. he is himself when he does that. he doesnt do that coz it is an obligation or he “has” to but coz he wants to.

sad aint it.

he said he would “try” to call on teh weekend i knew he wont he wont even try but still stupid me waited all weekend. why have i made myself so vulnerable why have i given him the power to hurt me like this why cant i just stop feeling why cant i just stop crying why cant i

i want to be loved. why is it so difficult to love me? why cant i feel cherished and important precious to someone feel that if i didnt exist today soemone would be hurt am i a bad person

i am a horrible person aint i

why dont i just die!!!!!!!!

I get so frustrated trying to make sense of what he says. he says i dont see a future for us, he says i would come and we would have a detailed conversation and then decide where to go from there (hinting towards D) may be involve our families which i so dont want him to i feel if he says anything to anyone it would be like admiting that my mariage has failed i have failed i know that is not true things dont work out when they are not to work out and i am solely not to be blamed. but it is no nerve wrecking. I want him to be a bit considerate, he expresses himself fully and when i say anything or cry or dont say anything at all, i am being dramatic or plain difficult. i dont know how to cope with all this. I am going crazy here. cant study keep on thinking what would happen when he gets here and what would happen of me. his citizenship has been accepted and his naturalization certificate is due any day instead of collecting my forms and documents he is doing nothing. he knows i am on a tight schedule if i have to match this year but he doesnt care. if i remind him in any way hint it or say out rightly he says i am more concerned abt getting tehre then this marriage. pata nahee how can i prove to him about where my priorities lay. why do i ahve to choose why do i have to prove anything cant he tell. i call him so much spend all he sends me calling him up. cry if he doesnt talk to me properly. this relationship means everything to me i am moving moutains for him and yet he doesnt know or pretend not to know. how can he not know. if this was nothign to me why would i fucking care and spend any energy time or thought or breath on it. i would ingore everything let him be and enjoy my lfie. which my brain tell me to do by the way but when have i ever listened to it i would have been a much happier person if i would have.

i am doing anything and everything that he wants me to, but still he is not happy. if i do something he is all sarcastic that thankyou u did this i am most obliged and  if i dont do it then he is all angry why didnt u do this.

kia karu

tang a gaee ho mei bhut zaida. uss sey iss zindagi se saab sey.

sometime i feel god just takes out my limbic system or somethign and just take all these feelings away. i dont wanna feel bad and cry all teh time and not study and think about the rude obnoxious things he say on calls.

i still want to be with him. iw as always the tryign type i never ever give up on anyhign i try and try and try to make things work my past relationships are a proof of that. i want to spend time with him. i want him to see teh real me. not teh one i pretended to be. i want peace of mind happiness that otehr so called happily married people profess so fucking openly about. i want all of that too.

i am so FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!

why does he do this to me. drive me up the wall like this. jab mei waha aao ga Aa then i would decide once and for all what to do about you. who am i some cattle or something and he would decide about. and is he somekind of a ruler or something. who gave him the right and power to do something like this.

why do i cry. these tears mean nothing to anyone no one is ever worried abotu how miserable i am not my family him or anyone not even my creator. what did i ever do to deserve this. when would it all get better.

i want a peaceful life is it too much to ask for!!!!!!!

yet again i am depressed. he has that effect on me. i know i screwed things badly and i am chaging trying desperately to cling on teh last fragments of my marriage. he said last night that i dotn know about this marriage my ehart is not into it i know i have to give him time but how much i was always terrible at waiting fro anythign eevn if my life depended on it.

yet again i have extended my exams just cant seem to be getting that adrenal rush heart racing confusion before the exam studying like crazy thign going yet. pata nahee kia hoga. i am worried that i am not sudying at all. small things distract me. i think my priority has changed completely. i know this exam is crucial but i don know why i cant focus.

yet again ama is in the kitchen making a racket and it is irritating the hell out of me. ufffffffffff.

yesterday i imagined i was dead and what would be teh first thing everyone would think of when they would know. teh answer was far from satisfying. but the one that matters the most is that he would be glad.

am i such a bad person. i just feel like dying. i am too depressed.

kia masla hai cant he even keep his thoughts in check for those 20 mins we talk why tell me things i already know and dread. i am just breaking here again.

i dreamed las night of being somewhere and wanting desperately to leave but couldnt find my shoes.

i remeber teh first time i purposefully injured myself. it was and never is for the purpose of taking my life but it gives me self control. it is when i lose all perpect dont know what to do when my mind is not working and teh only thought that comes to my mind is to end everything thats when i do it but neevr with teh intent of ending my life but to end my pain. i convert my emotional pain into physical pain. i can take care of my physical pain i know how to but i feel helpless when it comes to taking care of my emotional pain.

he says i am too demanding emotionally well may be i am i want my life to be perfect i want a loving husband who would look forward to my calls and not get irriated by them.

he was like that before shadi. he was!

he wrote me letters the things he said the way he wooed me was unbelievable right out of a fairy tale that wa steh prime reason why i married him he is 12 years older than me has a huge family not very financially well off the only thing i saw was so what if he doesnt have he material things so what he is older atelast he loves me but now he says he is not capable of saying all he has said in teh past he wants me to forget all that and i want to as well my ALlah knows how hard i prayed to forget all that but it’s easier said than done.

i always lived in my fantasy world wanted my prince in shining armour stupid of me reality is not like that.

i see all these couples being happy and content and i feel it is all fake a show. i too find myself praising him and claiming to be happy with other people even my mom for that matter.

would i ever find happiness or would i turn into a cold bitter married woman

There is a God, right????

Then how can he see me suffer like this without giving me any relief whatsoever. i believe that there is a balance in this universe for every tear shed there is a smile. All my smiles are being collected somewhere and one day i would get them. i do firmly beleive this.

i just dont understand why does he always has to refer to ending things. things were going great for two weeks, felt like my honemoon period that i never had but suddenly things started shifting and last ngiht he said those dreaded words again. he knows how petrified i am and how his words affect me emotionally, but he always say those words refering to the act which all teh nice muslim girls dread. “mei sab khatam kar do ga. three words and it would all be over”

i wonder why do these words still have the same affect on me when i have listened to them so many times now. I still feel the same stabbign pain somewhere deep in my chest deeper than the heart right in my soul.

i am educated capable of taking care of myself and I never did anythign  that would make me deserve all this crap that i am enduring in the name of marriage

but sill i am here aint? i working on this as much as i possibly can

i admit that i lived in a  fantasy beofre i got married and truly believed that  what if it is an arranged marriage if i love him he would love me too. how worng i was and still am.

this marriage has made me so bitter so sarcastic without even realizing i became teh pessimist i so loathed at one point in time. most imporantly i lost faith in oen being i was dead sure of. My Allah has really put me in a tough spot and i just cant see past it. i cant see that light at the end of tunnel. i feel i am sinking in this dark murky water and even when i want to hang onto anything but nothign is within reach. it is so difficult. so painful.

i was so proud of my belief that if i worked hard on somethind and pray with sincerity i would get it but no more. i find myself soemtime questioing Allah’s existence what am i supposed to do in tehse dark and trying times. it is simply beyond me.

HELP ME plz Allah god someone please