Inner dialogue of a twisted mind….

December 30, 2010 Aa

I felt I would be happy if this happened but I am not. I again fooled myself and denied the obvious. I am depressed again am could I be hormonal you say, may be but I just feel that I am in this alone.

All the caring he has showered on me since the news with the back lash of tanay tashnay is that not adequate atleast he is taking care of you. But I don’t want that. You are a nashukri you know that. May be, but I just want him to be excited about this as much as I am. plan things with me pick out names with me. think that the glob on the ultrasound is the most prettiest glob he has ever seen and cry tears of joy.

what would that take care of. you would still be depressed and your standards would continue increasing thereon. there is no end to it is there? how do I know. I just know I am not happy. What is happy to you define it. It is a feeling of content. Did you ever feel that. I think I did at one point in time but not anymore. No think about it you never did, no matter what point of life you were on you were always dissatisfied with your life you always wanted more. Now you think a child could fill that gaping hole. you are mistaken. you would screw another life if you don’t fix this and fast.

you really think I would mess his/her life…. I can not even think about doing that. that is the thing you would not think about it, you would be miserable then too and it would just happen. face the reality and live it. stop living in the world which you feel should exist rather breath the air which does.

Am I capable of this. Any one is capable of anything. If anyone can do it, you can