As I sit here an ponder about the last days in Pakistan, I wonder was it that excruciating after all. I have cried and sulked and whined and what not about a lot of things since the last two and a half years of my married life.

Today is my last day at work. Actually as the 12 day deadline draws near I am feeling a bit jittery. Anxiety has finally hit, whether I would be able to make it or not. I know one thing for sure that whatever comes my way i would cry about it for some time, lesser than before, but would overcome it. i dont promise that i would master it but I would surely survive.

LAst time in US I did something very stupid which I regret to this day. for everything in life I have told myself to forget and move on but this I would never allow myself to. Why? coz I dont want to repeat that blunder ever. But I dont ever want to hit that low in my life ever again.

He says he would be supportive but he also says ‘mujhay tumharee awaz sun kar khoon khol jata hai’. He says I am not a monster waiting to get you but he also says ‘agar tum ne khush ulta seedha kia tu tum ko ghar se nikal do ga phir jo karna hai kartee rehna jiss ke pass jaana ho chali jana’

I wonder and so does he that our relationship is not that great then why am I in such a hurry to get there. I will give you an analogy. Every time I have an exam coming up I dread it get anxious a nervous wreck. I study for it prepare for then pray to Allah and then I wait praying that days become longer and I get more time to prepare. As the days approaches I hit a point where I cant wait to get it over with. I stop fearing it I certainly dont feel I am prepared for it but I just want to know the result good or bad I want to get to the verdict and fast. Same is happening to me now.

I certainly dont love him anymore. I contemplated and decided I love his role as a husband but not him . I care for him but thats it.

lets see what happens.