There is a God, right????

Then how can he see me suffer like this without giving me any relief whatsoever. i believe that there is a balance in this universe for every tear shed there is a smile. All my smiles are being collected somewhere and one day i would get them. i do firmly beleive this.

i just dont understand why does he always has to refer to ending things. things were going great for two weeks, felt like my honemoon period that i never had but suddenly things started shifting and last ngiht he said those dreaded words again. he knows how petrified i am and how his words affect me emotionally, but he always say those words refering to the act which all teh nice muslim girls dread. “mei sab khatam kar do ga. three words and it would all be over”

i wonder why do these words still have the same affect on me when i have listened to them so many times now. I still feel the same stabbign pain somewhere deep in my chest deeper than the heart right in my soul.

i am educated capable of taking care of myself and I never did anythign  that would make me deserve all this crap that i am enduring in the name of marriage

but sill i am here aint? i working on this as much as i possibly can

i admit that i lived in a  fantasy beofre i got married and truly believed that  what if it is an arranged marriage if i love him he would love me too. how worng i was and still am.

this marriage has made me so bitter so sarcastic without even realizing i became teh pessimist i so loathed at one point in time. most imporantly i lost faith in oen being i was dead sure of. My Allah has really put me in a tough spot and i just cant see past it. i cant see that light at the end of tunnel. i feel i am sinking in this dark murky water and even when i want to hang onto anything but nothign is within reach. it is so difficult. so painful.

i was so proud of my belief that if i worked hard on somethind and pray with sincerity i would get it but no more. i find myself soemtime questioing Allah’s existence what am i supposed to do in tehse dark and trying times. it is simply beyond me.

HELP ME plz Allah god someone please