the weird things i have done in my life and lived to laugh on it

1. i brushed my teeth with soap. happened when i was five having a sleep over at a cousin’s place. discovering that tehre was no toothpaste in the washroom, all the children decided that if soap can clean skin it is good enuff to clean our teeth too. really ecikee taste i tell u.

2. i was mortified to see my moms skin being peepled off a day before eid then was explained that it was a face mask to beautify her. then later that night applying toothpaste to my face just to be like her. was nine then.

3. discovering that teh shampoo has finished off and the body wash has ended too and new in teh susral didnt know who to call for help to get that stuff for me, i had to wash my hair with the soap thats used to wash clothes, lado sabun i think. i was 25.

4. drove from nazimabad ka macdonald all the way home at 11 or 12 at night with my head lights turned off. i was 25. was blowing some steam and was driving like a mad woman.

5. ate around a 100 tablets of mortem. vomiting like crazy, was taken to teh emergency and teh whole ordeal that followed later. i was 26

6. cut myself several times lost count teh first back in high school, as i am told but dont remember, the first i remember though was when i was 25 and the most recent a few days back. at multiple sites leg arm wrist.

7. walking on the edge of teh roof of a three story building, my home actually, just for fun with a cousin watching me. i was thirteen.

8. jumped out of a moving car at the age of 3.5 years.

9. was riding a borrowed bike, racing with a neighbour’s son, at full speed and trashing into the gate at teh age of 10 years.

10. washed my face with ubtan infested with maggots not realizing it until i opened my eyes and saw them crawling all over my face. surprisingly didnt freak out at all just washed it off. had a bad case of acne after that. was 26 years

waited all weekend with cell phone in one hand, book in the other, converting time zones and predicting his call.

Aa says: so did u “try” to call me over the weekend

He says: i didnt feel like it, need some peace of mind

yet another tear rolled down her stained cheek.

why do i still wish that there be some romance in my life. why do i still yearn for passion companionship, some kind of attention. you know what gievs me solace when he yells at me. previously i thought it was coz i was turning into a sadist but then when i thought about it i realized no it is coz he does that with passion. he is himself when he does that. he doesnt do that coz it is an obligation or he “has” to but coz he wants to.

sad aint it.

he said he would “try” to call on teh weekend i knew he wont he wont even try but still stupid me waited all weekend. why have i made myself so vulnerable why have i given him the power to hurt me like this why cant i just stop feeling why cant i just stop crying why cant i

i want to be loved. why is it so difficult to love me? why cant i feel cherished and important precious to someone feel that if i didnt exist today soemone would be hurt am i a bad person

i am a horrible person aint i

why dont i just die!!!!!!!!

i did something today. i called my saas and kind of apologized to her. she was well excited, saying how my “harkatein” have affected her. kept on repeating things i have a miilions times given an explanation for.

i am impatiently waiting for the verdict. he hasnt called yet.

why did i do this. i am not saying what i did was wrong, no not at all. all i apologized was for how my actions, unintentional and done with the best of thoughts in my mind, could have hurt her and thats all i said i asked for her pardon rather than her forgiveness. she is like my mom and i dont want to hurt her. hell i dont want to hurt anyone dead or alive.

i pray he calls soon.

I get so frustrated trying to make sense of what he says. he says i dont see a future for us, he says i would come and we would have a detailed conversation and then decide where to go from there (hinting towards D) may be involve our families which i so dont want him to i feel if he says anything to anyone it would be like admiting that my mariage has failed i have failed i know that is not true things dont work out when they are not to work out and i am solely not to be blamed. but it is no nerve wrecking. I want him to be a bit considerate, he expresses himself fully and when i say anything or cry or dont say anything at all, i am being dramatic or plain difficult. i dont know how to cope with all this. I am going crazy here. cant study keep on thinking what would happen when he gets here and what would happen of me. his citizenship has been accepted and his naturalization certificate is due any day instead of collecting my forms and documents he is doing nothing. he knows i am on a tight schedule if i have to match this year but he doesnt care. if i remind him in any way hint it or say out rightly he says i am more concerned abt getting tehre then this marriage. pata nahee how can i prove to him about where my priorities lay. why do i ahve to choose why do i have to prove anything cant he tell. i call him so much spend all he sends me calling him up. cry if he doesnt talk to me properly. this relationship means everything to me i am moving moutains for him and yet he doesnt know or pretend not to know. how can he not know. if this was nothign to me why would i fucking care and spend any energy time or thought or breath on it. i would ingore everything let him be and enjoy my lfie. which my brain tell me to do by the way but when have i ever listened to it i would have been a much happier person if i would have.

i am doing anything and everything that he wants me to, but still he is not happy. if i do something he is all sarcastic that thankyou u did this i am most obliged and  if i dont do it then he is all angry why didnt u do this.

kia karu

tang a gaee ho mei bhut zaida. uss sey iss zindagi se saab sey.

sometime i feel god just takes out my limbic system or somethign and just take all these feelings away. i dont wanna feel bad and cry all teh time and not study and think about the rude obnoxious things he say on calls.

i still want to be with him. iw as always the tryign type i never ever give up on anyhign i try and try and try to make things work my past relationships are a proof of that. i want to spend time with him. i want him to see teh real me. not teh one i pretended to be. i want peace of mind happiness that otehr so called happily married people profess so fucking openly about. i want all of that too.

i am so FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!

why does he do this to me. drive me up the wall like this. jab mei waha aao ga Aa then i would decide once and for all what to do about you. who am i some cattle or something and he would decide about. and is he somekind of a ruler or something. who gave him the right and power to do something like this.

why do i cry. these tears mean nothing to anyone no one is ever worried abotu how miserable i am not my family him or anyone not even my creator. what did i ever do to deserve this. when would it all get better.

i want a peaceful life is it too much to ask for!!!!!!!

He says I am full of it, drama I mean. He says I want a constant dose of it. He says, ”I cant deal with that all the time.” Is it really like that? I mean do I really want my life to be full of suspense horror emotions. To some extent yes I want my life to be eventful. To come to think of it yes it is true i am very emotional and when i find something is wrong i get upset about it too easily and mourn and groan and whine and cry until i talk about it and fix it. for example he last time we talked he expressed how miserable he is about this shadi i stayed quiet wept a few tears and then he left, had some work to do, i cried some more and waited patiently for him to call later that night which he promised but didnt waited for two days but he didnt then last night i just couldnt study or concentrate on anything was too weepy so i called him cried expressed myself and viola i ended up smiling which i hadnt done for three straight days.

If i wear my heart on my sleeve and I consider that talking is teh best way to solve things out and should be done immediately does that really mak me a drama-baz. he during his sane moments says.

I have a way of putting myself in others shoes when i am sanely thinking and not in one of my world-revolves-around-me mood. therefore in his defense he comes from a family who hush up about how they feel when they feel soemthign is wrong instead months from the first experiencing date they would say somethign after contemplating and plannign every move of theres and beside he has been away for so long that he is not accustomed to dealing with anyone else apart from himself, which he says too when he is in one of his sane moods.

we are two completely different people both tryign desperately to make it work.

his impending visit and the promise of teh big talk is scaring me. dont get me wrong i am looking forward to him coming but i am not sure what would happen once he does.

i really feel for him and want to be with him. hell he is teh only guy who resisted my ways. meaning hat instead of saying everythign would eb ok and brushign things under eh carpet he stood up to my yelling and outrageous demands and said this wont happen and change Aa. my anger has always been an issue AL also had problems wih this but he just calmed me down rather than pointing the flaw and helping me correct it. he was being sweet and all and trying to stop arguements but he made me stop rigth in teh track and said to my face u r wrong and fix it or else there would be consequences. may be this is what i need inorder to make a good person outta me

yet again i am depressed. he has that effect on me. i know i screwed things badly and i am chaging trying desperately to cling on teh last fragments of my marriage. he said last night that i dotn know about this marriage my ehart is not into it i know i have to give him time but how much i was always terrible at waiting fro anythign eevn if my life depended on it.

yet again i have extended my exams just cant seem to be getting that adrenal rush heart racing confusion before the exam studying like crazy thign going yet. pata nahee kia hoga. i am worried that i am not sudying at all. small things distract me. i think my priority has changed completely. i know this exam is crucial but i don know why i cant focus.

yet again ama is in the kitchen making a racket and it is irritating the hell out of me. ufffffffffff.

yesterday i imagined i was dead and what would be teh first thing everyone would think of when they would know. teh answer was far from satisfying. but the one that matters the most is that he would be glad.

am i such a bad person. i just feel like dying. i am too depressed.

kia masla hai cant he even keep his thoughts in check for those 20 mins we talk why tell me things i already know and dread. i am just breaking here again.

i dreamed las night of being somewhere and wanting desperately to leave but couldnt find my shoes.

I saw this background on wordpress and wanted it badly. When i was there he took me to a natural park some thirty mins away from our place. We took a long walk on a trail and then ended up at a lake a huge lake. I sat on one end of a bench and he lay at teh roots of a huge ancient tree with his back on the tree trunk nearby. I kept on looking straight ahead at the calmness of the water. No one in sight just me and my “tanhaei” I then closed my eyes and for teh first time i heard “patoo ki sarsarahat” it was beautiful it was so like it was saying something to me.

That day is engraved in my memory and I can smell that place and hear the quiet sound of leaves again if i block everything out. and this presentation reminds me of that place which was like heaven on earth for me.

An old friend called abhi. It was an awkward conversation we talked for an hour had loads to talk about but well it seemed as if i wasnt connecting with her. She wants to be stuck in teh past. I wanted to do that too, I have resisted change for so long clinging on to the finest detail in my life even when it meant ruining it.

Yes i alone have to be blamed for my marriage. I was stuck in teh past for ay too long. I wanted him to be like AL talk like him, say things like him, deal with me and situations like him, everything.

I am changing to say teh least yesterday he yelled at me i softly cried without letting him know, coz it would have irritated him and once he was done yelling he relaxed and things settled down.

Yes i cry alot. US says i have taps for eyes i find that funny coz it is so true. i discovered this about myself yesterday that i am a sadist in some ways he yells at me and that saisfies me in a way that his nice words dont. This way I am sure things are fine, atleast he is expressing himself, better than him not saying anything and me guessing and asking and yet again irritating him. Do I make sense? yes you do Aa.

AB was surprised to know that i talk to myself in first person. Ialways thought that was normal and that everyone does that but no normally people dont. I am a psychopath in teh making lolz!!!!

That too I find funny.

I can never forget my mom’s eyes when one day while eating gol gappas i announced to her that I am crazy. She started saying something thinking speaking trying to make sense and i stopped her after two incoherent syllables and said I am crazy and its ok. I told her what I have done in teh past out of rage and how I am afraid of myself and she just listened to me dumbfounded. sigh

Again this year she pulled out her first aid kit and started wiping her husbands wounds crying and pleeding him to stop this self mutilation in the name of religion. She wiped her tears like the blood before and was about to put the kit away when he said, “Ama” and she felt his pain.